Sometimes I come across people that drive me crazy. Monday night I was dispatched to dispute between neighbors. When I arrived I spoke to the complainant, Mr. Y, who said that his neighbor, Mr. X, was harassing him. I asked him what his neighbor was doing to harass him. He told me that Mr. X had printed out information from the county tax digest about his (Mr. Y’s) house, showing that the owner of the house was his mother. Mr. X then wrote on the bottom of the page, “My mommy pays for my house” and distributed it throughout the neighborhood.

Mr. Y went to his property line and saw Mrs. X in the driveway. He asked if Mr. X was home and if he could talk to him. Mr. X came out and Mr. Y asked him if there was a problem that they needed to discuss. The conversation quickly went south, so Mr. Y went back inside his house… Mr. X followed.

Mr. X then stood at the front door and yelled at Mr. Y, Mrs. Y and toddler Y. He then went to the street and yelled at Mr. Y trying to entice him to fight. At this point, Mr. Y called 911.

When I finished talking to Mr. Y, I stepped out the front door to find Mr. X. He was in the street again, this time talking to a passerby in a car. As I walked through the front yard to talk to Mr. X he stumbled over to me to shake my hand, thanking me profusely for coming. I could smell the alcohol on him before he even got to me.

I asked him what had happened, and he started from the beginning. He told me the following:

• Mr. Y has a four year old daughter, and he has a three year old son. 
  • For some reason, Mr. Y decided that he did not want his daughter playing with toddler X. 
  • Toddler X has been crying for weeks because he wants to play with his neighbor. 
  • Mr. Y is being cruel to toddler X because he won’t let them play. 
• Mr. Y does not own his house… his mother does. 
  • Mr. Y only pays $200 in property taxes.
  • Mr. X pays $2,000 in property taxes. 
• Mr. Y has yet to mow his yard this season.
• Mr. and Mrs. Y did not go to college, and they wear college shirts.
• Mr. and Mrs. Y smoke pot on a regular basis and do not have jobs. 

With all of this in mind (and with some alcohol in his blood) Mr. X decided that it was time to handle it “like a man.” He decided that the neighbors needed to know what kind of bum was living in their neighborhood, so he distributed the tax information. He then stood in the street and yelled at Mr. Y, hoping he would come outside and hit him, so they could fight. 

Long story short, I arrested him for Pedestrian Under the Influence (it’s like DUI, but PUI) and Disorderly Conduct. PUI just requires that the person is drunk, in the road, and a danger to themselves or others. I’d say that being drunk in the road is a danger to yourself. I charged him with disorderly conduct because he was standing in the street screaming. It doesn’t really matter what he was yelling, just the fact that he was yelling was enough for the charge. I also warned him that if he ever stepped foot on the neighbor’s property again (even if it is his mother’s) he’ll go to jail for criminal trespass.

I then spoke to Mrs. X. She told me the following:

• She told him to leave Mr. Y alone.
• She told him not to go outside.
• She told him that it didn’t matter that their son couldn’t play with the neighbor.
• She told him to stop drinking.
• She told him to just drop it.
• (She told him so.)

On the way to the jail I asked him why he would want his son to play with the uneducated, pot smoking, free-loading, cruel neighbors. He told me that he was very liberal and that those things didn’t bother him. 

Mr. X’s priorities were so out-of-whack, that I couldn’t help but laugh. I made sure I told the story to everyone on the shift by the end of the night. So now I’m sharing it with you.