Michelle and I went to the hospital today for an ultrasound. We got our first look at our child, just 1.6 inches long. The baby was very active on the ultrasound, waving its arms and legs around. Its heart was beating so fast. I have never been happier.

We had already picked out the names for our first son and first daughter: Jacob Paul and Emma Lea or Leigh. Michelle’s middle name is Lea and her mom’s is Lee, so we’re not sure which spelling we’ll use. With the names already picked out, the next thing to do was prepare the nursery.

We decided that the room was not going to be gender specific. We have no intentions on re-painting the room each time we have a baby of the opposite sex. Instead, we went with colors that we like. Besides, the baby won’t have an opinion. The nursery (as well as every other room in the house) had dark wood paneling. It took several coats of primer, but I finally made the room white. We decided to use the vertical lines made by the paneling to our advantage. We picked out four colors-lime green, yellow, brown and blue-and then randomly painted stripes on one of the walls. After we picked out the colors and began painting, we found a shower curtain at Target that matched the room wonderfully, with the addition of a pink color. Michelle quickly turned the shower curtain into window curtains.

On January 13, 2011, we went for our first ultrasound. We were nervous but excited. The ultrasound technician started with a topical ultrasound. She took a lot of pictures, and I could see her taking measurements on the computer, but she didn’t show us the screen. She then performed an interior ultrasound, with the same results. She left the room for a while.

We knew at that point that we had lost our baby.

When she came back in, she said that our doctor was expecting us so we could discuss the results of the ultrasound.

After meeting with the doctor and hearing from him that our child had no heartbeat, we drove home in mostly silence. It took a while for it to actually register. Until it sunk in, it felt surreal. All I could think was that this couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be happening to us. I have never felt such pain before, nor have I ever cried as hard. Calling my parents to tell them of our loss was horrible. Not only did it hurt them, but saying it out loud made it real.

We returned to the hospital six days later to have our baby removed from Michelle’s womb.

At that point, there was nothing surreal about it. Our child had died, as did future we had planned for the three of us.

We named our child Ezra.

It pleases me to know that Ezra only ever knew the comfort of his mother’s complete and selfless love. That Ezra never knew the pains of a full life, never knew hate, never knew sadness. But those same things cause me pain. Ezra never had the chance to experience the bad, but also never had the chance to experience life and all that comes with it.

I talk to Ezra when I’m working at night and become lonely. I tell him how much he is loved, and how much he is missed. I tell him that he will not be forgotten, and that he will always be a part of our family. I often think of my grandmother, who passed away just before Thanksgiving last year, holding Ezra in heaven. And I cry every time I think of it. I cry tears of sorrow and tears of joy, because I know she will care for him.

The hardest emotion to deal with is the anger I feel. It’s easy to become angry at a pregnant teenager, who likely didn’t plan on becoming pregnant and isn’t ready to be a parent. I get angry when people say what they assume are comforting things:

1. It’s all part of God’s plan.
2. It was meant to be.
3. Maybe it’s better this way.
4. You’ll have other children.

All of these things make me want to punch someone, and I’m not a violent person. (1) If God’s plan was to kill my baby, then He has a horrible plan and needs to formulate a new one. (2) Number 2 is just another way of saying Number 1, while leaving God out of it. (3) I can think of nothing that would be worse to say to a grieving person. And I can think of nothing worse than losing a child. Prior to this, being pepper sprayed was probably #1 on my list of terrible things. I’d take a face-full of pepper spray any day over this. (4) That doesn’t change the fact that my baby died.

I’m surprised at the number of people I’ve spoken to that have had the same experience. Miscarriages are not often spoken about. It seems almost taboo to speak about it, but so many couples that I’ve spoken to has had one or more miscarriages. I suppose it’s comforting to know that we are not alone in this, but at the same time, why do you never hear about it?

That’s one reason I wanted to write about Ezra, and I encourage other people to share their stories as well. It’s also been very therapeutic for my to write about it, and to share my experience.

A self portrait from 2:00 am. I felt as tired as I look.

It’s nice though. I use to get terrible headaches everyday and I lived on migraine medicine. Since moving back to Hiawassee, I haven’t had any bad headaches. That either means that the headaches were stress induced, or the tumor that was causing them miraculously disappeared. It’s also been greet to be able to stop at home and eat with Michelle or stop at my parent’s house for coffee.

There are some drawbacks to moving back to Hiawassee though. I took a 50% pay cut. This blow was softened with a take home car, a county cell phone, and a free house (provided by Michelle’s grandmother, not the county). It’s also difficult to police in the town you grew up in. I’ve had to arrest a former classmate, and I know most people I pull over. If I don’t know the people I come across at work, then they either know me or my family. I’ll be talking to someone, and they’ll suddenly say, “Are you Stephen Smith’s son? He taught me algebra when I was in high school. He was the best teacher I ever had, and the best thing to happen to the school.” It’s hard to write a ticket to someone after they say something like that, but I manage anyway.

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My grandfather passed away on Christmas Eve. He was admitted to the hospital a little while back, then the nursing home for rehab, then back to the hospital. It’s amazing how quickly things happen. Dad, Andrew and I all went to the hospital earlier that day and prayed over him, talked to him, and sang Christmas carols. He tried to talk to us, but no clear words came out. He sang and prayed with us. His lips were moving the whole time.

It was great to see all of the family that came for the funeral. There were many tears, but just as many laughs.

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One night while I was patrolling the rear of a shopping center, I observed the brake lights of a parked minivan quickly go on and off again. Considering that I didn’t see anybody in the car, I thought it was suspicious. I drove up a little closer to the vehicle, but still saw no one inside. I told the dispatcher that I was out with a suspicious vehicle, and approached it with my flashlight in hand. Upon closer examination, I found two 17 year old boys sitting in the front seats. They looked at me in shock. I motioned for them to roll down the windows (if I hadn’t, they probably would have left them up). Here’s our conversation:

Me: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Driver: Oh, we’re just hanging out.
At this point I did not see, hear, or smell anything illegal. But I did have a good idea of what was happening.
Me: So… you’re not smoking weed?
Driver and Passenger: Um… well… um… we…
Me: So does that mean you are smoking weed?
Passenger: Yes, sir.
Me: Do you have any left, or did you smoke it all?
Driver: I smoked all of mine.
Passenger: I’ve got some.
Me: Well give me what you have.

They both handed over their pipes and what was left of their marijuana. I called their parents to come pick up the car, and so they could yell at them before they went to jail. One of the mothers said, “Enjoy your ride!”

(It’s little things like this that make me happy.)

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I’m now back at 30,000 feet and heading east. My sister and her family are on the same flight as us, and are sitting behind us. It’s a beautiful day in Phoenix, but thunderstorms and tornado watches will be waiting for us when we arrive in Atlanta. Hopefully, Michelle will be at the airport to pick up the three of us.

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I’m now back at 30,000 feet and heading east. My sister and her family are on the same flight as us, and are sitting behind us. It’s a beautiful day in Phoenix, but thunderstorms and tornado watches will be waiting for us when we arrive in Atlanta. Hopefully, Michelle will be at the airport to pick up the three of us.

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A whole group of extended family members from the west coast came over to the house today to celebrate Grammy’s 90th birthday. Mom and dad were in the Holy Land during Grammy’s birthday, so they decided to put off the celebration for today. Dad is so selfless. He and his mother share the same birthday, but not once did he mention anything about it. Ever since Grammy moved in with mom and dad, they have done so much for her.

After everyone left, Peter, Andrew and I went to Candyce’s house, where they guys were getting dressed for the wedding. All of the gals were getting dressed at Matt’s house, since there was more room, and more than one bathroom. We had a five foot sub for lunch, but were still hungry afterwards. We entertained ourselves with the Nintendo Wii. Unfortunately, the only game they had was a cooking game. It was kind of humorous that the last thing Matt did as a bachelor was cook.

Once we were all dressed, we headed to the church and stood around for a while. The Wedding Mass was beautiful. Matt cried as Candyce walked down the aisle with her parents, and they both got choked up during the vows. The reception was held at the Wright House. One of Frank Lloyd Wright’s many creations. It was all in the back courtyard of the Wright House. I left with my parents soon after the dancing started and went to bed.

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We dropped the goods off at the house and went to the airport to pick up cousin Laura and Father Tim who flew in fro m Atlanta. We circled the airport several times before we found Laura. She and Father Tim were on the same flight, but he wasn’t with her. After circling several more times, we finally found him on the curb. He had been looking for Laura at baggage claim.

One of Grammy’s cousins lives in the Phoenix area, as well as her cousin’s children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. They all showed up for dinner, which consisted of leftovers from the night before. It was just as good the second time around.

The bachelor’s party was at a restaurant named The Monetary. It’s a cool bar/grill where you cook your own food on outdoor grills. There were volleyball courts, horseshoes, pool, and ping-pong as well as many other games. Unfortunately, a very unexpected wind and rain storm came through the area. We spent most of the time inside socializing. Some of the guys ventured outside to cook their food. It was open mike night at the bar, and Matt Maher just happened to have his guitar in his car. The musicians who were playing were mostly just background noise. No one was paying attention to them, and they weren’t that good. It wasn’t really fair when Matt, who just signed a label with the same record company that signed Third Day, took the stage. He started off with a couple of cover songs, which were played just as well as the originals, and then played one of his own. He said, “This is a song I wrote the other night.” By the end of the first song, everyone was gathering around the stage and singing along, including some people who were there for a birthday party. He closed with American Pie, accompanied by one of the earlier musicians on harmonica.

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From there, we went to the rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner, which was at the rental house. It was a Hawaiian theme, so dad brought all of Matt’s old Hawaiian shirts. After dinner, I entertained the crowd by throwing people to the ground how I learned in the academy. I managed to stay up until everyone left and finished the day by watching Dirty Jobs.

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It took a while at check-in because Andrew was on the watch list. Once they figured out that he wasn’t a terrorist, they let us through. We ran into more trouble at security when Pete forgot to place his water, lotion, and sunscreen in his checked luggage. While TSA was escorting Pete and the water battle outside to empty it, I put the lotion and sunscreen in my bag, which had already made it through security.

Once we got to the gate we discovered the flight was leaving earlier than we realized. At this point, Pete and I lost Andrew. We met up on the plane and after a little while we took off.

We should be landing shortly so I’ll end this here.We landed at the airport and called Matt. He arrived before we got our luggage, so I stood at his car at the curb so they wouldn’t make him leave. After we got the car loaded we attempted to leave, but the car in front of us wouldn’t move. Matt honked, then hopped out to get them to move. The man asked Matt a question to which he replied, “Yes”. We asked him what the man had asked and Matt said, “He asked me if I was from Germany.”

We got to the house mom and dad had rented for the family. Pete, Andrew and I were to share the master suite. Andrew opted to sleep in the closet (which was a room in-and-of-itself), and Pete and I shared the California king.

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